After reading and hearing about Amy Chua's book, "Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother" and other commentator's responses, such as: "The Call of the Dolphin Mother" (Erika Christakis), I have formed my own thoughts. However before enlightening you with my style of mothering, let's explore the Tiger Mother and Dolphin Mommy style.
According to Amy Chua, Tiger Mothers, predominately Chinese women, use rote practice, threats, shame and physical punishment to produce successful offspring. There are no sleepovers, computer games or any extracurricular arts other than violin and piano. Tiger Mothers also add extra homework and practice test to ensure their child's success. The book reminisces about her throwing unacceptable home-cards at her daughters making them re-do them and threatening to burn her daughter's stuffed animals if her piano playing didn't improve. While we are cringing and wanting to rescue her children from her, she reveals that she did receive her comeuppance from her thirteen year old daughter who yelled at her and said she hated violin and would rather play tennis. That was the big "hair-raising" rebellious moment. Really. Admittedly her older daughter is good enough at piano to play at Carnegie hall before the age of fifteen. Many of you are imaging a little Asian lady who is brain washed by communism and fear that her daughters will not do well enough in school to get approved by the government for a good job. You are wrong. This woman is an American Yale Law Professor who frequently lectures on democratization and ethnic conflict throughout the world. Her girls, age fifteen and thirteen, rigorously defend her methods of parenting. Of course they are only fifteen and thirteen, lets check back in ten years.
A lovely lady who has read this book, recently responded on CNN Opinion page, she is Special Contributor to CNN, Erika Christakis. Her response was entitled,"The Call of the Dolphin Mother". She emphasizes the playful, energetic mother whose child learns best through play. "We protect our young while we encourage their independence." She is nurturing because she wants to develop the deep bonds that can exists between parent and child.
I have to say I envy the Tiger Mother's apparent complete control over her children and their every breath seems to be golden. My children frequently breathe noxious green fumes and act like....kids. However, I can't even begin to imagine the time and extreme effort a Tiger Mother must put forth eighteen hours a day. Creating practice tests, extra homework and constant badgering for hours of sport/instrument practice. The emotional output to get the required response has to be exhausting alone. Most westernized children would crack under such pressure and treatment. The yelling (not that I havn't done that) threatening and actual slaps to the face, I can't fathom how anyone could justify this.
The Dolphin Mommy seems to swim through life in one huge play date after another. Relying on her pod (support system) to take up any extra slack. It would be great if we all had huge support systems that could help run our kids to practice or to play dates. Maybe they could even run over with an extra meal or two, but I don't know of many people who have such a huge pod like that. It seems as though this a more fly by the seat of your pants type of parenting. All is well as long as it was fun and you love me and your safe. FYI: Dolphin's are fiercely protective of their young. Do not be fooled by the flighty, devil may care mom, she will eat you ALIVE if you come close to her baby.
There are days when I can be quite Tiggerish and days when I am very playful. What type of animal mother is that? Well, I do parent similar to an Ape/Monkey. (Right, no one here is shocked by that!) I teach and train by showing. My kids are visual learners, just like me. Don't tell me, show me! However, we do not do co-sleeping and I do not wear my babies, it's not even up for discussion. No judgment for all the ape mommies out there who do that, it's just not my cup of tea.
Then I realized, I'm not a stinking animal! I am a human mommy who gets to choose what type of parent she wants to be. Some days I yell , because I am tired, stressed or just too distracted to do the right thing. I insist upon best efforts and have been known to say "That is not good enough, you are capable of better. Try again." I do lay down the law and actually stick to said law, most of the time. The very same day I take my kids outside and jump on the trampoline or dance around the living room. I have even allowed my daughter to skip home work at night in favor of game night or even, "gasp" movie night on a school night. I know, I am so permissive, my child will never amount to anything, right.... I also get tired of harassing my son about his room, and let him leave it a mess until I am in danger of breaking an ankle tripping over his toys. I figure, he's three years old, soon enough he will be expected to clean his room daily, but for just a little longer, he's my baby boy. I encourage independence in my children, sometimes too much. I frequently expect more of them than I should. I struggle letting my children fail, I want it to be perfect and squirm when it isn't. I try not to let it show, but sometimes I think I fail there too. I push them out into the world, then I get scared and yank them back again. I hate paying for lessons or team sports! There, I said it, and my husband makes extra money giving music lessons!
So my ideas about parenting who varied and ever changing. We have a few unconditional rules in our house. Disrespect will not be tolerated. Hitting is not tolerated. Screaming or saying ugly words to your sibling/friends is not acceptable. We always give our best. Please, excuse me and thank you are not optional. We will pray every night before bed and we will forgive every night before we go to sleep. Every day we start with a clean slate. Do they get those right every day, NO WAY! Sometimes they don't get any of it right! We will keep working on it though. After that, I have to be honest, it can be a free for all. I don't think children should be seen and not heard. The most beautiful sound is a child's laughter and they really do say the darnedest things.
So if you are a Tiger Mother, great, I am happy you can keep up with that. Please understand though if your child looks longingly at us as we play in the park or run, screaming with laughter, through Target parking lot (mom standing on the buggy rails). I realize your child is being nominated for a Nobel Prize, but mines cuter. pbbttt!!!
If you are a Dolphin Mommy, I promise not to glare at you as your child runs through Target completely unsupervised as you dreamily look through a magazine. I also promise not to be envious when my children speak longingly of your fun filled house and relaxed views of mess making.
For all of my earth mother (ape) friends. I promise to give your child yummy treats at my house, if you promise my kid will leave yours thinking veggie muffins are awesome. I won't think your strange for wearing your child until he's three and nursing for that long, if you promise to withhold your parental abuse thoughts because I only nursed in months, not years and I didn't wear my kid because I looked huge doing so! FYI: Your boobs are not "natural" to me, only mine are, so keep them under the cute nursing cover. Thanks.
Those are my thoughts on animal type parenting. Although for clarity, Amy Chau's book was not about the Tiger as an animal, it was the Tiger as an international symbol of Chinese culture.
Today, I was all me, there was no other parent/animal in the house, unless you count the dog and he's insane!
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